Sleepless Night

I’ll bet you would assume that my insomnia is due to my endomretiof***ingosis, well, not this time at least.  I am not in physical pain right now, thank the lord above.  I am so discouraged with myself and my lack of reasoning and memory.  The medical assistant at the Big Hospital says it’s because of my medicine.  Great!  At least I have a good reason for my insane behavior. 

I messed up a few of my bills and now the credit card I use at my favorite store in the mall, New York and Company, is all screwed up.   Apparently I used the card a few times and forgot to pay the bill for the past two months, now I only owe less than $50.00, but for some reason I have late fees and the huge credit limit is reduced to a minimal amount that in my opinion is not even worth having since one can’t really buy much –maybe a pant leg or a sleeve with it.  I know the company must think I am not paying them on purpose and have no idea I am sick.  But I feel betrayed by them for not calling me to find out why I have not paid. After all the propane company called to ask me why I had not paid them and I was able to straighten everything out on the phone.  This is not like me at all.  I always used to pay on time before I became to forgetful. 

I have the money for these bills and just am so confused lately that I cannot keep anything straight.  My medical bills from the Local Hospital are just as much a mess too, I think I have it all straightened out but am not sure.   Actually I use a heath care spending card for my medical bills, so there is no excuse for not paying them as they come in, but for some reason I carry them around with me for months and do not take care of them.  Then get a bill from a collection agency.  Whoops.  Then I noticed that I already paid that one.  So confused, what do they want me to pay twice?  Is it an evil master plan to give a med that confuses me, and then send bills that I have paid to collection to try to stump me and make me foolishly pay again?  Is this what the elderly go through?  I remember seeing a news story about this a few years ago.  I am glad that the Big Hospital, where my new bills will be coming from now on uses a different billing company.  

This disease robs you of so much and yet, the other day I was able to attend a concert with my husband and have a great time without pain.  A few days later I was able to take my teenage son to a concert and gain have great time without pain.  Both of these pain free events are due to this lovely medication that also makes me into a useless keeper of the bills.  Go figure!  I guess you can’t have it all.  Unfortunately, I do want it all, especially a good night’s sleep, which won’t happen tonight.  I have not beaten myself up enough yet.  

I will use the rest of the night to try to figure out how I can raise Endo awareness and help others with the disease.  They need me, and I will be able to help them one day soon, after I get help for myself. 

Jesus help me, I am courting on you , please don’t let me down.